Posted by: chicagoshells | July 30, 2011

Envy

My best friend from college is a mommy!  Her son was born last night.  I am so excited for her.

I am also so incredibly jealous I want to (and did) cry.

I did the same thing when my nephew was born in January.  Actually, in January it was more like hysterical hyperventilating sobs.  But I was in job-hell in January and not all that emotionally stable.  Last night’s crying was less severe.  Just a few little envious tears.

Don’t misunderstand– I am happy when wonderful people become parents.  But in the past year or so, it seems like another wonderful person (who I just happen to be Facebook friends with) becomes a parent, oh, every 10 minutes.

I am ready to be a mom.  I have been ready for a very long time.  Maybe not quite as long as when I first started to think I was ready (about 7 years ago).  But a long time.

Trouble is not quite ready.  This is understandable.  She is 5 years younger than I am and still in graduate school.  This is why we are waiting until next year to start TTC.  Honestly, Trouble would prefer to wait even longer than that, but she knows that I really can’t (knowing it might take months or even years to be successful).  So we compromised.  And usually that compromise is fine with me.  Recently, watching the days dwindle down on my little countdown ticker, I’ve even had moments where I’m not sure I’ll be ready when the countdown gets to 0.

Then someone goes and has a baby and I’m reminded of how very ready I am.

Back when I first started feeling ready, I thought I would be among the first of my high school and college friends to have a baby.  Now, while I don’t think I’ll be among the last (knock on wood!) I’m likely to be smack in the middle.  That in and of itself isn’t a problem.  But watching dozens of people doing what I want so badly to do can start to grate on a person.  Especially when they get to do it by having sex with their spouses, whereas our TTC “foreplay” includes spending thousands of dollars on sperm.

Wow, I sound bitter.  And sometimes I am.  Mostly though, I’m just plain old jealous.

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Responses

  1. yep, yep, yep. all very familiar. to tell you the truth, some of the ones i know came easy still get under my skin, though mostly it’s better now. (even yesterday, i got word of a particular pregnancy that made me think how absolutely consumed with envy i would have been, had she gone first. as it was, i only felt a little flush of it, knowing how recently she wasn’t even thinking of trying.)

  2. Yeah, word. In my experience, the waiting-to-try part was the absolute hardest, much more so than the almost year that elapsed between when we first started trying and when I finally got pregnant. I think it’s especially challenging for queer prospective parents because we go through all these mini-milestones (deciding to try, finding sperm, various fertility testing, etc) and feel some sense of accomplishment with each, only to have random fertile straight people from all stages of our lives just, you know, get pregnant. (E.g. I remember thinking on the train to work one day after some pre-conception blood tests, “Now that I got tested for CMV I can totally have a baby!” and then arrived at the office to a co-worker’s pregnancy announcement and was all, “Oh, right, she’s going to have a baby because, like, there’s an actual baby in her uterus.”)

    (Also, hi. So resumes our internet-only interaction of late 1990s yore).


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