Posted by: chicagoshells | January 2, 2012

Here it is, January 2012…

…and this isn’t the month we’re starting to TTC.

This is so hard.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been “lurking,” as they say, on BabyCenter for years. Years. Reading, absorbing information, waiting impatiently for my turn to finally roll around. Last January I officially “joined,” began posting questions, tried to be supportive to other women on their TTC adventures. I made a count-down ticker to our starting date…this month. I watched it ticking down over 10 months, getting more excited. Anxious too, of course, and scared, and overwhelmed, but mostly excited. Finally, finally, my turn was coming. Finally, I was doing something more than just waiting and dreaming. I bought Trouble a basal thermometer and prenatal vitamins. I analyzed her charts, amazed to see her body doing what it was supposed to do. I looked at sperm bank catelogues “for real,” not just for the future, chose a donor, pre-ordered the sperm.

Then one evening I was on my way home from work and a completely wasted woman slammed her car into me and changed my plans.

My nephew will turn one in a few weeks. Last year, when he was born, I had a really hard time with it because, of course, happy as I was to be an aunt, what I really want is to be a mama. I comforted myself with thinking that, by his first birthday, we would be on our way to making him a cousin. And…we’re not. And it sucks.

As I’ve said…I KNOW I’m lucky to be alive, lucky the injuries weren’t worse, lucky that I’ll make a full recovery. I KNOW that in the grand scheme of life, waiting another couple months to start TTC isn’t the end of the world. I KNOW all that, in my mind. But today, right now, at the beginning of January 2012, the month we are NOT starting to TTC, my heart is having a problem with it. It aches. I know that sounds cliche and ridiculous, but it really does physically ache.

Today hurts.

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Responses

  1. Totally understandable, totally NOT ridiculous. Believe me, we felt the same way in February of 2009–we didn’t even end up doing our first insemination until Memorial Day and felt like total douchebags when everyone started assuming we were pregnant but not telling them (when in fact, we weren’t even trying yet). You guys are doing the right thing keeping your process on the DL from family!

    As queer folks, we already have to give up on letting pregnancy “just happen,” so all we have to hold onto is our carefully-thought-out plans. When those plans fall through, all the angst of having to plan in the first place comes back even stronger.

  2. This sucks so bad. I just read a book (Season to Taste by Molly Birnbaum) about a woman who was sososo close to starting a career as chef until she also got hit by some stupid person and ended up losing her sense of smell. It might be an interesting read? At least someone else who is also forced to change courses due to no fault of her own. And you’re so close–you’ll be trying soon and in no time you’ll have your baby! It just doesn’t feel like no time until it happens, unfortunately.

  3. waiting sucks. and i mean it SUCKS, like a hoover to the soul, let alone in chicago in january, and LET ALONE waiting that is unexpected waiting, after the waiting is supposed to at least have become the more active waiting of ttc.

    although my story is not so dramatic nor so physically painful, i do remember all three kinds of waiting. all three were utterly lonely and miserable, this middle kind of waiting most of all. i am glad yours will be over soon.

    on the temping front, i fucking hated temping and was thrilled when the RE told me to just pee on sticks. but in case trouble’s temps aren’t making sense, i will just mention that mine got much more consistent when i gave up putting the thermometer in my *mouth*, if you get me.

  4. The waiting involved in ttc-with-assistance (and in wanting to ttc-with-assistance) stinks, there’s no way around it — and it so often seems to be one thing or another (not that your accident was the “typical” source of a wait, but just that … there can be so darned many reasons for waiting and it’s such a pain). Glad to hear you are feeling better; I totally relate to the joy of the first post-accident shower, and hope you’ll continue to mend well and fast.


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