Posted by: chicagoshells | April 28, 2012

“I’m 33 for a moment…”

“A kid on the way…a family on my mind.”

Last year on my birthday, I wished for Trouble to be pregnant by the time my next birthday rolled around.

Yesterday, I wished for our “mulberry” to be sticky and healthy.

I am so grateful that last year’s wish came true (with a week to spare!). It still doesn’t seem entirely real.  Trouble does seem more tired than usual, but it’s hard to tell if that’s actually true or if she’s just giving herself permission to go to sleep as early as she wants to, now that there’s a good reason.  Her boobs seems a little bigger, a little more “dense,” and sometimes they hurt.  She has some definite, unusual preferences for kit-kats and tomato sauce (not together!) but I’m not sure you could call them “cravings.”  If we were a straight couple who hadn’t been actively TTC, I don’t think we would necessarily even suspect she was pregnant.  The problem with the fact that I’ve been so obsessive about the baby thing for such a long time means that I’m hyper-aware of how much can go wrong.  When you’re TTC (or waiting to TTC, for that matter.  I almost feel like I shouldn’t even talk about actually TTC since our experience was so blessedly short), the goal is seeing those two pink lines, or blue cross, or the little “pregnant,” or whatever your test of choice is.  It’s easy to forget that after you see that  (which, don’t get me wrong, is absolutely AMAZING), the anxiety is only going to go away for, I don’t know, maybe a few hours, before you realize that while yes, you’ve achieved your goal, you’re still what feels like an eternity away from achieving the next goal…from having that “positive” manifest itself in a living, breathing, screaming child.  I’m sure that once the baby arrives and you realize that, while you’ve reached the goal of birthing it, you still need to actually raise it, is much the same feeling.  In short, I guess this is really just the beginning of the whole parenting thing, in which worry never goes away. 

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Responses

  1. Yup. And the fun new sensation of terror that now the baby is not always with you and that any bad thing could happen and you. Might. Not. Even. KNOW. *shudder* Apparently that one never goes away… But hurray for cravings and tiredness! Do not underestimate the tiredness–it’s brutal, if blessedly short!

  2. It doesn’t go away, but it does change (more than once, so far). Just as the early days of having a baby were more nerve-wracking than our days are now, the beginning of pregnancy was worse that way than the later parts.

    The tiredness, though. Damn. Allow me to recommend not planning and putting together say, a wedding, in the next couple of weeks. Just a tip.


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