Posted by: chicagoshells | May 9, 2012

The Waiting Game

I didn’t want to be one of the people who started a TTC blog and then, once those two lines showed up, stopped writing.  I’m determined to keep as much of a record of Trouble’s pregnancy and our parenting adventures as I can.  But every time I’ve sat down to write in the past week or so, I find myself with nothing to say.  We are just…waiting.  Our first doctor’s appointment is scheduled for May 24.  Until then, I’m afraid to write too much, to say too much, to feel too much.  I am already so completely in love with this tiny little unknown being who saps Trouble’s energy and makes her boobs hurt and changes her mind about what sounds good for breakfast…but it is SO EARLY.  So much time, still, for things to go wrong as the mulberry grows from the size of a sesame seed to the size of a lentil to the size of a blueberry.  At 6 1/2 weeks, Trouble still has no morning sickness, and I go back and forth between feeling grateful and wondering if that means something is horribly wrong.  When I get a text at work that her nipples hurt, I smile, and then feel guilty for being glad she’s in pain.  It’s such a roller-coaster of feelings.  My parents were visiting over the past few days, and not saying anything was incredibly difficult.  They talked about plans in November and December and I bit my tongue.  My mother mentioned that her best friend is going to be a grandmother for the first time around Thanksgiving, and I nearly drew blood.  I’m going to visit them at the end of the month, and if that first appointment goes well, I’m hoping to tell them in person then.  I catch myself fantasizing about exactly how to do it, how they’ll react, and have to remind myself to just wait.  Wait. 

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