Posted by: chicagoshells | August 11, 2012


Well, that resolution to write more often didn’t exactly work out, huh?

I can’t believe that we are already at the halfway point of this pregnancy.  Mostly that seems unbelievable right now, that we’re there already….and then, at the same time, this week the days are crawling.  The BIG ultrasound is scheduled for Friday and I can’t wait to see Mulberry again…and find out just who we’ve got growing in there.  EVERYONE… from Trouble’s brother and sister-in-law to my cousins to online folks to my mother’s old friends… seems to think it’s a boy.  Before TTC, I was pretty desperate to have a girl first.  But once we actually started trying, and then Trouble got pregnant and the reality of how incredibly much I wanted this baby to be alright set in, whether it was a boy or a girl became less and less important.  In the past few weeks it’s been on my mind a lot…I sort of probe at my subconsciousness, testing myself.  I care SO much less than I imagined I would…am I just kidding myself?  Will I feel a rush of disappointment if it’s a boy?  I hope not, and I’m so in love with this baby already that I don’t think I will, but I suppose it’s a possibility.  I think if that happens, I just have to try not to beat myself up over it– I feel what I feel, and I know I’ll deal with the potenial disappointment long before the baby is born– this is, after all, one of the reasons we decided to find out in advance (mostly, we’re just impatient). 

Before the big ultrasound, I have one other major thing to get through– Monday is the sentencing date for the drunk driver who hit me last fall.  Last month, I was actually kind of looking forward to it.  I think I anticipated it giving me some level of closure.  As it’s getting closer, though, I’m getting more anxious about it.  I have no idea what it will be like to actually be face-to-face with this woman.  I have no idea if she’ll say anything directly to me, and how I’ll react if she does (or does not).  Because I am, well, me, all that “having no idea” is very scary.  Trouble is in finals (her LAST FINALS EVER!) next week, so my mom and dad (whose kidney tumor turned out to be NOT cancerous!) are coming to Chicago to go to court with me.  I’m so grateful that I won’t have to face that day by myself.  Even though I’m preparing for my own child, sometimes I still need my parents, and this is definitely one of those times.



  1. So glad you folks are coming. I have found having a child makes me need them no less, often more. It’s a daunting proposition, even without facing terrifying embodiments of amorality.

    On the other subject, a wise person I know wrote once that no matter when or what you find out about the sex of a child, it’s normal to feel some disappointment, even if you get what you “want” (and know what that is — my own feelings shifted many times). Until you have a boy or a girl, she said, you are imagining two children, two full sets of milestones and lives, one for an imaginary boy and one for an imaginary girl. When you find out it’s one or the other, one of those children vanishes, and it’s okay to feel sad about that.

    I don’t know if that will resonate for you, but it did for me.

    (and for the record, I LOVE having a boy — this boy, yes, but thinking about boyishness in general is shifting my thinking in ways I find very interesting, challenging some assumptions I didn’t know I held, and so on. I am sure I’d also love having a girl, but I have a feeling this way is more transformative for me. Plus, no ugly pink lace presents.)

    • Thank you! That does indeed resonate. Thanks for sharing with me 🙂

  2. Good luck on your court date! 🙂

  3. Good luck with court–I got super-anxious going to see the guy who hit us, and no one was hurt in my accident. It was awkward–he ended up holding the door for us on the way out, but none of us said anything to each other and in the end he just pled guilty and we will never see him again. But the fear and nerves about going in to face him were way more than I anticipated. I’m glad you’ve got family backup.
    Oh! And if you feel like coming along for a quasi-queer parent zoo outing, a bunch of people are going to Brookfield on the 25th. Feel free to email me for details if you have any interest in coming!

    • I can’t tell you how much I appreciate that you keep inviting me to these events, even though I never seem to be able to make it (working on the 25th as well, unfortunately). I’m determined to get to one of them eventually and meet you in person!

  4. Oh, good! I was worrying that it’s annoying. Never fear, I’ll keep letting you know when we’re doing stuff!

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