Posted by: chicagoshells | August 1, 2014

2014…A Conception Odyssey?

Lots of changes in the past few months, and as always, I wish I’d written more.  Such is life, however.

*We moved.  To the suburbs.  And bought a minivan.  Momification complete!  The house is wonderful, but it’s definitely been an adjustment.  I wasn’t particularly social when we lived in the city, so I was struck by the feelings of isolation post-move.  I haven’t been working this summer, so I was home with Mulberry, and there were several moments, usually while grocery shopping at 9am and looking at all the other moms with toddlers in their shopping carts; or standing at the playground with a whining toddler looking at all the other moms who didn’t forget to bring snacks or toys for the sandbox, that I wondered “Is this really my life?  No really, it’s a nice life, with this house and minivan and toddler, but it’s not mine…right?”  It is in fact my life though, and I’m adjusting to it.  It helped when we put Mulberry in daycare a few days a week so I could get other things done.  Namely…

*Job search.  I’ve been mentioning it since Mulberry was a wee thing, but this job-that-is-mainly-nights-and-weekends is simply not going to cut it any longer.  I finally realized that part of my issue is that, in the days of longing for motherhood, I fully anticipated that after we had a baby I would want to be a stay-at-home mom, so I would simply give up my job and do so.  And that…is not the case.  I love Mulberry, I adore him, but I.Can.Not.Do.24-7.  Nope nope nope.  And I can’t continue in my present career.  I like it and am good at it, but it is not going to give us the family time, or Trouble and I the couple time, that I would like (read: any).  So I’ve been trying to figure out how to re-frame my skill-set into something that might land me a Real Job, which is…challenging.  After a long summer of no movement, though, there are currently a few possibilities floating out there.  All good vibes on that front will be happily accepted.

*Drugs.  Back on anxiety meds.  Not sure why I thought that buying a house, selling a condo, moving, looking for a new job, and managing a toddler was a good time to try going without them.  Not so much.  

*As you might have guessed by the title of this post, we are considering baby #2.  To be more accurate, in a complete and total role reversal from our pre-Mulberry days, Trouble is chomping at the bit to get started on baby #2, and I am scared as hell.  In her rational way, she pointed out that we have switched roles in other things as well (pre-Mulberry, she was trying to figure out what to do career-wise, and then in school with no real idea what life would be like post-graduation and post-baby.  Now she’s settled in a career and job she really likes, and I’m trying to figure out What To Do With My Life.  Of course I’m scared of throwing yet another major life change in there and adding a second child).  It’s funny…when I think of our life five, ten years down the road, there is always at least one more child.  I don’t honestly want Mulberry to be an only.  But I am having trouble wrapping my head around the practicalities of getting from this time, when I get overwhelmed with our single child and don’t always think I’m being a particularly great mom, to the picture of the future in my head.  That in-between involves another newborn, this time combined with a toddler/preschooler…and (hopefully?) me with a job that doesn’t allow me to just stop working for months at a time after the baby is born.  The logistics of it all are mentally exhausting.  That said, we don’t want them to be too far apart in age and (as I constantly reminded Trouble before we TTC Mulberry), there’s no telling how long it’ll take.  So…probably jumping back into that craziness in the next few months.  And considering trying at home this time for a few cycles.  EEEK.

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Responses

  1. I found the decision to ttc a second child felt very cold blooded compared to the first time. It’s hard taking care of a small child, even, I understand, for suburbanites 😉 It really came down to imagining what I wanted my life to look like five or ten years out and knowing that, if a second child was part of that, I had to actually DO it.

    No regrets, for what it’s worth.

  2. Yay! Glad you are through most of the Big Life Changes for the moment, and much luck for your job search! Hard to comment with two nursing, but I wanted to encourage baby number two. After all, now you have a minivan to fill up…


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